Below are the 5 most recent journal entries recorded in elessartrek's LiveJournal:

Thursday, June 2nd, 2005
1:09 am	My fans love me. What Reject Sith Are You? That was fun. I've written 11 chapters and all the Trekkie girls holla holla. Munich and Ulm in da hizzouse. w3rd. Someone kill the phoenicians for making 3's look like e's. Ok wtf am I doing here? (Comment on this)
Friday, May 27th, 2005
10:56 pm	School's out....arg. So I had a really cool/bizarre night. So school's out so fuck that shit =) So last night I went to Miki's 21st birthday party at this guy's house out in the stix near Linn...This guy was fuckin craaazy. Old guy who couldn't hardly walk but drank and smoked pot like crazy and had this badass house in the woods on 30 acres. So I got real drunk with Miki and her parents, she got really stoned with her parents and we had a good night. Went drivin on country roads w/ this guy's 67 Cutlass Supreme convertible, lookin for deer and shit. It was a pretty awesome setting but she was just far-eyed all night about missing her bf. Remarkably romantic atmosphere, big forest view, quiet music, awesome wood deck looking over a bonfire and the stars with alcohol abound...And she was missing her fucking boyfriend. Go figure, my luck :\. Anyway so once that was over and I went home my mom and my sister were in this horrendous fight and bout the only thing I could do to avoid my mom throwing my sister out on her drunken ass, was taking Danielle out to a bar and (of course) she got me in without ID cuz she knew the owner/bartender. SO I'm there and I find out later supposedly that skanky chicks hang out there, but I saw like every hottie on either side of my age-grade that I haven't seen in years. Both a year younger than me to a year older than me in this bar, BARELY dressed, looking fucking amazing. So I'm tryin to get Danielle back home when I stop, not believing my eyes. "Laura!" she looked around all confused. "LAURA!!" And I run into Laura Fretwell, looking fine-as-fucking-ever. I mean I can't begin to describe how delicious this girl looked, girl runs up and hugs me, wants me to hang out and go play pool and stuff but I gotta take care of my sister. I swear, if you've read Stranger in a Strange Land, this was DEFINITELY a 'point of cusp' because I wanted to do seriously Biblical things to Laura but I had to take care of Danielle. SO, I just went all Robert Redford, got her cell # for future calling and then at the end of the night bought her a shot from across the bar and toasted to her as she laughed in shock. I guess I just hafta hope it was pleasant shock and not like like "ew he bought me a drink" shock. We'll find out, I'm gonna try to hook it up and catch up w/ her sometime this weekend, we haven't hung out in so long. I think the last time was like 10th grade when me her and Sarah Parker went to Pizza Hut. While I was going out with Miki. ----- Thus it was spoken, so shall it be done. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, April 21st, 2005
1:41 am	Physics Test = DISASTER! Comp Sci Test = DISASTER! My life = .... DISASTER?! Maybe! For the love of sweet mary and christ I don't seem to be able to pull out of this slump. I sleep in every day, regularly skip 2/3 classes a day. I've been begrudgingly handing in my physics and comp sci assignments so at least I might be able to keep those grades slightly up. My grade on the Physics test before the 10% curve they gave everybody was a 54 PERCENT! 54!!! I got a 64 after they gave us 20 bonus points since the test was the 2nd day back after Spring Break...But still, there were people who had 220/200, 207/200, 217/200 shit like that...Obviously the break didn't bother them, and I didn't think it bothered me. I missed 50 goddamn points on the first page of multiple choice questions, how fuckin retarded is it to fail a quarter of a test on conceptual questions when I averaged 80%+ on the mathematical problems? Such bullshit. Anyway it's my own goddamn fault, oh by the way, following my last post I also stayed up all night the following Thursday, causing myself to have to stay up LITERALLY all night for my Comp SCi test Friday afternoon...It was at 11:00 and I fell asleep at 8:30 am...I woke up at 10:30 am and rushed to class. I actually THOUGHT I did well considering I was up the whole night studying. Here's the stake in my heart. I expected to do badly. And by that I expected oh say a 60% and I hoped for like a 75% since my previous two tests were 61% and 63%...But that's around the AVE, my friend Dan got 60's on his first two tests too. yeah ready for this? 48%. 48. How pathetic is 48%. It's pathetic. Anyway I ace the homeworks, I turned one in tonight and I'm sure I did well on it, probably 95 or above so...that's good. It just MAY maintain my C in that class, MAYBE. But god knows I have to do somewhat well on the final, probably at least a 70% or I'm takin the fuckin class again b/c I'll have a D. Goddamn D. My mother will shoot me. Not for the grade, for the wasted time and money in taking the bastard class again. Ahh....Sweet Mountain Dew. Jenna, any other TnT'ers, I think I'm gonna write some tonight so I can get my fic out to you all. I pour my heart and soul into it but after reading like 200 Bound and TnT fics I find it really hard to be original, not just in plotlines, but in verbage - wording. I don't like using other people's words, ever notice there are common words used in our TnT fan fics? surreptitiously reverie consternated furrowed There are others but those come to mind right off the top of my head. I have to admit, I've used furrowed and reverie. There are just too few other words that do the concept they carry justice. Did you all know I found Jolene Blalock's address and phone number online? It's true. And no I'm not going to *use* them, I'm not THAT obsessed. Ok but damn close. Jenna knows what I'm talkin about, least where this info comes from. I'm seriously considering calling it just to see if it's real. I know, I know, Jenna, they're regular real and kind people who don't need to be bothered by obsessive fans looking for pointy ears around their hats. I realize that, I'm just shocked and amazed the damn thing is there, online, for anyone to see. I hate to idolize the woman I mean I realize that to her hubby or her mother she's just a wife and a daughter, but to me, to us, she's Jolene...the beautiful actress portraying T'Pol. You can't tell me it wouldn't simultaneously creep you out and make you jump up and down if you could suppress the voice inside you that says it's sick and weird to call her if you were to hear the voice you recognized from her interviews and Convention speech on the other side of a phoneline saying something an simple and nonchalant as "Hello?" Do I need a shrink? No, probably not. Know why? Cuz I spend so much time psychoanalyzing myself and introspecting into my psyche that the observer effect (pun) of looking into my own fucked up mind so often is actually causing the various unsundry mental conditions I suffer from to constantly mutate and vary. I know it sounds really fucked up and it's actually probably just a form of psychological hypochondria...But if I realize it, am I still a hypochondriac? Or does that mean I have the rationale to judge objectively? Thus we enter the paradox of analyzing oneself. When I look into myself and see some deformity or ok let's be a little nicer, I see some "unique" feature and attempt to analyze its existence I begin to overexamine very self, including the tendencies to overexamine, thus I cause a mutation of the condition I'm trying to study by utilizing some of the issues and facets that may devise its very structure...my over self analyzation! Am I making any goddamn sense whatsoever? Of course not, I never meant to. listless is another one, goddamn that word, listless, in like every fic, wtf does it mean anyway? Current Mood: listless (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 5th, 2005
10:18 pm	Physics Test = 0wnt I destroyed that physics test, one annoyance down - 3 to go. 1. English draft 2. C++ program due Thursday 3. C++ test on Friday I no longer have to worry about the symbolic logic test because I gave up and told my professor I'd make it up at the end of the semester as my final...He lets you either retake an old test or take a final and it's all optional so instead of continuing to cram for material I learned ...well, was SUPPOSED to learn, like 3 weeks ago I've just decided to put it off yet again until the end of the semester! Oh Joy! I emailed my advisor and told him i'd be in to see him tomorrow, i was afraid he'd started to get irritated that I've stood him up like 3 times but I thought "eh, he'll be a nice guy" yeah, he replied back when I said I'd be there tomorrow with "Hopefully! This is 4th or 5th time you've promised..." isn't that peachy, my brand new adviser and I've already made him think I'm unreliable and flaky *rolls eyes* Oh well his name is Miron, he's probably defective anyway, growing up with a name like that. I think every guy name Miron, Ira, Perry and Stacie must have grown up defective and tormented by the other guys in school...unless they happened to have a 10 inch wang and some girl wandered into the boys' locker room and saw it by accident, then he suddenly became uber popular much to the other guys' confusion. I once knew a guy who was popular DESPITE the fact everyone knew he had a SMALL wang (hell they called him SMALLZ as a nickname because of it, reminded of it daily) but I'm not sure if you would get popular with girls instantly b/c they knew you had a huge wang. Probably not. Flaky bitches. Anyway this is my schedule for next semester: Math 208 - Linear Algebra I Math 209 - Foundations of Mathematical Proofs BE 50 - Engineering Statics Phil 333 - American Philosophy AE 161 - Aerospace Vehicle Performance ME 219 - Thermodynamics I'm afraid of Linear Algebra, Statics and Thermo - the others I think will be interesting/fun/easy. Good god 6 classes, I'm going to die. It'll be time to really find out what I'm made of, if I can earn A's and B's with 18 credit hours of Engineering and Mathematics. The ultimate test, not of my intellect, I know and believe that I have sufficient mental capacity to absorb all of that material...But the work ethic...The drive, the determination. Next semester will make or break 'Dr. John Orcutt, Warp Field Theorist.' Current Mood: rejuvenated (Comment on this)
4:27 am	Welcome to all! My first post...Hmm...Well I don't usually post in these kinds of things too often, blogs, journals, diaries, etc. I'm so messed up on sleep, it's 4:28 am and I can't sleep even though I have a test tomorrow....But thankfully it's not until 4:30 pm. I got my schedule all messed up over spring break because I was watching Deep Space 9 until 5, 6 even 7 in the morning some days. The last few days of break I told myself I was going to get some work done on my English paper that's got its first draft due tomorrow, but I only slipped deeper into the trend and lied to my mom (i was home from break) when she asked how I was coming on getting my work done. I think sometimes I tell her I have work to do even though i know it'd be easier to tell her I'm totally caught up and doing fine, just so that she'll give me a hard time later on because I'm afraid I'll let myself off the hook. But all has to come to a head sometime, she'd figure it out even if not till my grades came back. Don't get me wrong, I've been an A and B student ever since grade school...But things have been slipping in college, ESPECIALLY this semester. My midterm grades were C C A B, exactly - only 4 damn classes and i can't even manage good grades. I'm in a 2nd year C++ class, that's the C, and a 2nd year English class, English Research Writing, that's the other C. I Aced the first year of C++ and I always aced english in highschool except when I skipped class and didn't do assignments..Oh yeah, that's what I'm doing now! The A is in Intro to Logic but god knows how I'm getting it, I go to that class even less than English, but it's my 4th philosophy class in pursuit of a Philosophy minor so it comes naturally. The B is in Physics II which I'm actually surprised at considering I got a C on the last test, but I'm hoping I can bring it up to an A before the semester's over...my degree intends to be heading towards physics by graduate school. This is the first post of my little LiveJournal here and it's most likely that only my good friends and my contacts on TrekBBS who I know decently well anyway are going to read it, so why not give you a little intro to the last 2 years of my life before going into any more detail. College life has been rocky to say the least compared to highschool. I feel like I know I have the potential to do well yet I always find something to screw it up. Last year it was 21CW, the Desert Combat tournament I'm in, this time this last year I was moving up the ranks and starting to 'command' 300-400 players in the weekly matches... No easy task considering it's a fully functional online Military-strategy and tactics battle simulation and as General (that I was) you command a senior staff and a team of Captains each with subordinate officers and grunts under them. Needless to say my Spring grades slumped. Last semester in the fall I did well up until two things happened that ruined the entire semester. I got caught copying a final lab report in Circuits and given a 0 for the lab course, then I failed the final exam and even though I had a C in the class was given an F since you MUST get a 70% or above to pass the class. So down goes Fall 04. Then Spring 05. A strange depression hits, I start getting obsessed with star trek just like I did 21CW. I watched Enterprise after downloading all 4 seasons for a good 4-5 days in a row, 14 or 16 hours or more a day, one after another. Then when I caught up to the series on TV I wasn't satisfied, I started downloading Voyager and Deep Space 9 episodes...watching them over and over, one after the other, consuming them like I had to to survive. I couldn't quite understand what was going on until about 15 minutes ago. When I read ST fanfic, when I post on the BBS and talk about the TnT ship or when I send letters to the execs or when I donate money to TrekUnited or when I watch Deep Space 9 for 3, 4, 5 hours on end until the early hours of the morning...I'm not alone. Somehow, at any other time, I'm alone. When I'm alone I don't like to do anything but find a way to not be alone, I can't study, I can't get work done, I find a way to push out of my mind the consequences I know will come from the actions I take. Last night I was up until 7:30 am because I couldn't sleep from staying up so late over break, and I convinced myself I could brave through it and wake up in an hour and a half and go to class. Which of course I didn't, I slept till 5 PM so now I'm not tired and it's 4:39 and I'm about to do nearly the same thing all over again. I'll post this and then lay down and eventually fall asleep. But will I wake up in time to go to English? Will I wake up in time to study some more for my physics test tomorrow? Will the studying help enough after not looking at the material for a week over break...Will I ever get around to studying for the comp SCi test I have on Friday, not having been to the class in....like 2 weeks and not having turned in the last assignment yet because I haven't copied it from my friend yet, will I ever get around to writing this damn English paper on War and Film that is our Term paper that'll determine my grade for the class, will my grades be too low to earn me a place in graduate school in california when I graduate, will I even make it through all my hard math classes to come, will I be laughed into some shitty job I hate when I try to pursue FTL travel research in Grad school, will I be a total failure at this lofty goal of FTL research I've set...Do I dare to believe I, a manic depressive eccentric former nymphomaniac and academic performance anxiety driven short and whiteskinned kid from a big city in Arizona and raised in the middle of nowhere in Missouri can really bring the world closer to the dream I dream about every night?? But can I settle for anything less than changing the world? Can I satisfy myself with just living my life, can I ever achieve the FTL goal I've put out in front of myself that will consume the rest of my professional and perhaps even personal life? Will my dreams alienate me from finding someone special for the rest of my life, are my times from back in HS only two years ago of practically hopping bed to bed over forever, have I hit a permanent dry patch with women...Will my dreams, my manic drive to succeed...my neurosis for success make me alone forever? These are the questions that plague me as I stare into a soft scented candle each night trying to calm the whirlwind in my mind. Then I realize that through all the implausibility, all the impossibility and all the stupidity of the thought and the futility of wishing it...I realize that if it meant abandoning my fears that this world will never reach the stars and that I will remain alone, I WOULD trade 50 yrs of MY life for the last 6 of Trip's, or the last 10 of Archer's, or the last 20 or 30 of some random person's in some fictional future as long as it brought me closer to my dream. It's the path ahead of me that terrifies me, will it cost my heart, my sanity, my life? But the real terror is the fear I barely have the courage to speak, even in silent words on a silent screen...Do I have the courage to seek a life that could alienate me forever if I am ever to achieve the monumental goal of even getting us CLOSER to FTL. Current Mood: distressed (Comment on this)